Spork

My inability to grow up is my kryptonite.

It’s not even in the cute, quirky way where I’m “not like other girls.” I just refuse to accept the responsibilities of growing up. Getting a job, applying to colleges, cleaning, or even THINKING about those types of things send my brain into a frenzy. I sometimes find myself relating to Holden Caulfield (not the snarky and lying part) and that is a scary thing. I want to do these things but my inner child is begging me to avoid them at any cost. So while avoiding my demons I soothe myself with easy thoughts like the simplicity of childhood. I find extreme comfort in the things that seemed meaningless while I was a kid. Like the dumb spork I found in the mud around the playground. Microsoft is telling me that spork is not a word but it is a very real combination of a spoon and fork. It seems like an object of little importance, and it probably is, but we don’t have sporks in high school. That makes me kind of sad. Who knows when the next time I’ll use a spork will be. Anyways, I cling to everything that reminds me of times without responsibility. So whatever weird attachment I have with the spork is just me pretending that life isn’t about to get harder.

I often imagine I have the remote control from the movie Click and think about rewinding and pausing my life. I just realized that I’ve never really thought about fast forwarding my life… That probably speaks volumes about me. It kind of bugs my parents too. One night while I was in my bed pretending to be asleep I heard my dad and my uncle, who was visiting, talking in the living room. My dad told my uncle how it worried him that every time he tried talking to me about college I would shut down and get frustrated. I felt a little bad after that but I can’t get over this crippling fear. I feel like my friends and peers have it all figured out or just don’t worry about it as much as I do. I get a headache just thinking about it. The weird thing about it is that I can’t WAIT to move out and get away. I want to be on my own. I. Want. These. Things. I’m just too much of a wiener to do anything. It might all come from my lack of self-confidence. I’m confident socially and talking to people but I’m not confident in myself or my abilities. I think a lot of girls feel this way but aren’t really willing to admit it. I might just be scared that I’m not good enough for a job or smart enough for college (based on all these grammatical errors you might agree). I don’t have any clue what I want to be when I’m older so when college applications ask me what I want to major in WHAT DO I SAY?? “I would like to professionally read and eat Panda Express for the rest of my life” Oh well, I’ll figure it out eventually.

End note: I’m a girl version of Peter Pan, without the lost boys. Or any boys for that matter.