Don't Quote Me On That

"It's ok not to be ok,
sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing,
everybody's bruising.
Just be true to who you are."
-Jessie J

"Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me
No hope, No harm.
Just another false alarm"
-The Smiths

"A person who is nice to you, but mean to the waiter, is not a nice person."
-Dave Barry

"I don't get waves of missing you anymore.
They're more like tsunami tides."
-Ed Sheeran

"We believe in ordinary acts of bravery,
in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."
-Veronica Roth

"It amazes me how easy it is for things to change,
how easy it is to start off down the same road you always take and wind up somewhere new.
Just one false step, one pause, one detour, and you end up with new friends or a bad reputation or a boyfriend or a breakup.
It's never occurred to me before; I've never been able to see it.
And it makes me feel, weirdly, like maybe all of these different possibilities exist at the same time, like each moment we live has a thousand moments layered underneath it that look different."
-Lauren Oliver

Memorable Passage

“Bono met his wife in high school," Park says.
"So did Jerry Lee Lewis," Eleanor answers.
"I’m not kidding," he says.
"You should be," she says, "we’re sixteen."
"What about Romeo and Juliet?"
"Shallow, confused," then dead.
"I love you, Park says.
"Wherefore art thou," Eleanor answers.
"I’m not kidding," he says.
"You should be.” 

This kinda seems like a weird passage to pick out I guess because it is not a life changing quote. I like it because I get it now. This is from the book Eleanor and Park (which is an adorable book). It took me a few chapters into the book to actually like it. I ended up loving the book and at the end I felt ripped off because it felt too ambiguous and open ended. SPOILER ALERT: You don't find out what happens... Do they ever end up together? Will they find each other again??? It was eating me alive. As I laid in bed a few nights after overanalyzing all things, I thought of this book and how much the ending pissed me off. Then I realized I completely missed the point. You don't find out what happens because nothing does. They eventually forget about each other because it was just a high school romance. Those are usually doomed from the start. What with all the "complex" feelings and undecided futures. So, I like this quote because the answer to all my questions was right there in print the whole entire time and I was too wrapped up in the love story.

Writers as Readers

2) I really like dystopian books/series. I think it’s cool how the concepts used can seem bizarre but it can really hold true to real life too. Not always in America but in other countries too. The examples are amplified to make the story more interesting but they are nonetheless possible or already happening. Sometimes holding a mirror up to society can be painful but what is needed to make change and I like how books and literature have that ability. The first dystopian book that I remember reading and falling in love with is The Giver. I remember my middle school self being in awe of the whole idea of such a restricted and dysfunctional society. From then on that's what I usually read. I sort of ditched realistic fiction after that. I'm not saying I never read realistic fiction because that is untrue. I read too much to avoid that genre. But I definitely favor dystopian.

 

3) The writer I feel like I identify with the most is J.D. Salinger. I don't imitate him because I've always written like this. But I immediately recognized his writing style as my own after I picked up The Catcher in the Rye. My writing is like one long run on sentence. My thoughts kind of just come out as they please and usually in no particular order. My thoughts and attention seems to jump sporadically. I notice that when I am trying to tell my friends a story I jump to different subplots or related topics. My mind is as messy as my room. That really runs along with my writing style. That’s why everything I write feels like a journal entry. I don't really seem to have a filter sometimes. I feel like my thoughts hold my fingers hostage and I have to write what it says. Even if it is stupid.

 

4) When I was in Paris I did not sleep. I don't know if it was the time difference or just the pure excitement running through my veins but sleep didn't come easily. I read most of the nights. I made it through 5 books while we were there. Luckily my uncle had been to Paris before and knew a famous bookstore called Shakespeare and Company. Since it was so well known I had assumed it would be a giant store filled with every book imaginable. This was not the case. It was a small little store that was cramped and a little too hot. I still loved it. Up the stairs they had a small YA section and they had a little "Highly Recommended" section. So I picked up a book called The Fault in Our Stars. By the way, many people in France speak English and this copy was in English. So I bought it and got it stamped and read the entire thing on the plane ride home. I cried like a baby.

7) The first real book I remember reading was The Tale of Emily Windsnap. I don’t know why. I know it was about a mermaid and that’s about all I remember about it. What I do remember is that it was the first “page turner” I read. The first book that kept me up past bed time. The one I had to read under the covers with a flashlight in case I heard my mom coming. The first book that had gotten me in trouble for reading in class instead of doing my math problems. I finished the first book really quickly and immediately begged my mom to take me to the bookstore afterwards to pick up its sequel. My sister is reading it right now and that makes me happy.

If I Were in Charge of the World.

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel Duck Dynasty
I'd eat Panda Express every day
With Oreos for dessert and also
I would send all judgmental/rude people to an island away from everyone

If I were in charge of the world
there'd be an entire library in my house,
pizza available at any time, and
I would give everyone a free lollipop each day.

If I were in charge of the world
you wouldn't have crime.
You wouldn't have racism.
You wouldn't have homophobic people.
Or sexist pigs.
You wouldn't even have mimes.

If I were in charge of the world
a bird would not be allowed in my presence
and oreos would be a vegetable.
All people would get a castle for them and their friends to live in
and a person who sometimes forgot to set their alarm clock
and sometimes forgot to finish their homework
would still be allowed to be
in charge of the world.

I Know Why I'm Scared.

I know why I'm scared of sharing my knowledge.

I know that I have anxiety about public speaking or singing

I don't know why I became this way

Birds sing when they want

Being caged with your bursting thoughts can be awful

Freedom to speak my mind and talk about passions

Singing can express more than I want

I sing of things that scare me and consume me

Flying from anxiety

Flying away from my fear of rejection

Writers Dreaming Angelou Response

2) I like to be optimistic and believe the best in people. I have been accused of looking at the world through rose colored glasses. Maybe this is true but I like to believe that I also see the truth in things too. I do realize that the world is fucked up but I also believe that things can get better. So yes. I do believe in the universal human power to triumph over adversity. I believe that everyone starts out good. I believe that through proper education the world can be smarter and more humane.

3) yes and no. I believe that talking about things does give them power. It can start a hurricane and change everything. I also believe it is unhealthy to keep bad emotions inside, which happens to be my worst habit. I often find this stuff consuming me and giving me anxiety and taking over all the corners of my mind. I don't like talking about them but not for the same reason as Maya. I don't like talking about my problems. I don't like people taking pity on me or giving people the ability to tell other people my problems. I ultimately don't trust anyone at all. Except my dog. Which is a problem.

5) When I first heard this I thought immediately "HOW COULD ANYONE EVER DO THIS EVER???" but I went to bed the night after the video and thought about it. I think I could do it. I'm very social but sometimes I feel it is forced because if I could stay and read in my room forever and I'd be fine. If I didn't have to force myself to make small talk ever again I think I'd be ok. I love listening to other people. I love hearing opinions and thoughts. I have found the longer you stay quiet while people are talking the more their true thoughts accidentally spill out. But then again no. I am a very opinionated girl. I like speaking out against problems and making people laugh and i have so many questions bobbing around in my head. If I could raise my hand to ask a question every 2 seconds in class I probably would. So who knows.

Color Story

I was so blue.

That sounds sad but it doesn't have to be. I was an endless sky on a spring day. I was light breaking through the ocean’s surface. I was that kid jumping through puddles and giggling. I was sticking my tongue out after drinking a blue raspberry slushy. I was that sad song that you sing/scream dramatically with your friends, and giggle. I was pure and clean.

You were green.

You were always jealous. You were slime and hypocritical. You were sickness and unhealthy. You were what toxic warnings were made for. You were everywhere and overgrown, overtaking my everything. You were gross and I didn't see that but now I do. You were everywhere but now I am a lawnmower (never thought I’d say that).

The places were black.

The sidewalks were barely seeable. The buildings were tall and daunting and didn’t hold near as much promise as they did in the day. The stranger’s eyes are dark and shifting as you pass them on the streets. The clanging of metal down alleyways we scurried past. The cold bit you. It was dark and scary but cities are as exciting as they are sketchy. I am enthralled and infatuated. A deadly combination.

I am going to be pink again.

I am going to be bubbly and happy. I going to ooze enthusiasm and optimism like I used to. I am blushing cheeks. I am going to be a flower but not as delicate. I am going to be the little girl spinning in her princess dress. I am going to be the walls of my sister’s room, vibrant and awake. I am going to be the bow I wore around my hair when I was 7. I am going to be the fifth journal I begged my mom to buy for me in middle school; swearing I am going to write in it this time.   I am going to be carefree. 

The Art Institute Reflection/Oh My Gosh What Am I Going to do in the Future Post

1)I am interested in journalism and that involves photography and video making so I thought that it seemed like an interesting program. I also would like to try the student- run restaurant they have.

2) I wondered if they have a web design class.

3) See, that's a scary question for someone who has no idea what they want to do. I will still try to answer. I was accepted into the Mass Communication and Media arts college of Southern Illinois University to major in Journalism. I'm not sure if that's what I want to do but my family has always told me I would be good at it and my uncle has a job similar to what I would be studying. I think I want to go there. Who knows. I would like to study abroad and live in London for a semester. I want to see the world more than anything. So, hopefully in a year I will be in college struggling to find out what I want to be. Preferably somewhere not in Missouri and near a city. In 5 years I hope I am working at job that makes me happy and living in a city and have traveled or make enough money to travel.

4)

Classmates Pieces

I really related to Lindsey's I Am poem. We both like Harry Potter and aren't entirely sure how make up works. I really liked how descriptive she was without being too descriptive. I think it's interesting how much you can have in common with people you've never talked to. I also love relating and identifying with people I wouldn't think that I would.

Dream Thread

I could see myself lying in bed and I try to wake myself up but it never seems to work.

I looked peaceful but felt cold. This startled me because I wasn't just chilly, I was freezing. I felt lifeless. I looked at the clock and noted that it was 2 AM.

I had woken up 5 minutes ago because I had heard a weird noise from downstairs and, armed with my bedside lamp, I had investigated. I found nothing and decided I was being paranoid. I sluggishly walked back to my room to find something that made my skin crawl. There was someone in my bed. They looked like they were sleeping and that puzzled me because how could this have happened in the span of 5 minutes? I slowly walk over poised to attack with my lamp. I yank back the covers and see myself. I ran out of the room and into the hallway trying so process what I had just seen. There is no way this was real. I must be dreaming. I bang my head against the wall and try to wake myself up. I stuck my head under cold water. Why wasn't anything working? I decided that since it was a dream a logical thing to do would be to go and wake up the person that was supposedly me in my bed and that this nightmare would end.

Now here I am. As puzzled as ever. I’m not crying and I feel like I can’t cry. I feel very empty. As I stand there in shock I realize I am not even breathing. I’m not breathing and the girl in my bed is not breathing either. I snap out of it and run to grab my phone. I dial 911 and a woman immediately answers.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I’m dead! I’m looking at my body! I’m not breathing! I’m de-“, I am cut off.

“Hello?”, she says.

I look at the phone to see if my microphone is muted. It is not.

I frantically try again, “Please help me! Please! My address is-“

“Hello is there anyone on the line? Are you unable to answer me?” She persists.

I hang up.

“What the fuck?” I whisper to myself repeatedly.

My phone rings and it is 911 calling me. I don’t answer. She can’t hear me. I sit and stare at my body for what seems like forever when I see red and blue lights flashing outside my window. I stand up and look out the window but the lights stop. I see the police car but it is turned off now. I jump when I hear a loud knock coming from the front door. I don’t know what to do. This is all so surreal. I hear another knock even louder this time.

“Police open up.”

I hear it all. I know it’s happening but in that moment nothing feels real. I walk to the living room and stare at the door. I hear the lock on my door pop and 2 police rush in. They walk around cautiously and right through me. Guns pointed in front of them as if my couch is going to attack them. I hear their radios sputtering nonsense. I don’t even need to think twice. I know they can’t see me. They won’t hear me either. They reach my room and open the door. The gun in the first policemen’s hand is immediately pointed at my lifeless body in bed. He walked at the slowest pace I have ever seen and quite dramatically pulls back my comforter. He looks back at his colleague and tells him to call for an ambulance. There was no use in that. We all knew I was dead.

This is the beginning of my story of my life after death.

Weird Falling Dream

I've never really been scared of a lot. My fears come and go. I get over things easily (except birds). I'd like to start out by saying I know a lot of people have these dreams when they're younger. It's always kind of puzzled me as to why people have these nightmares. The ones where you jump off a building or cliff. I would always wake up immediately after jumping but the worst part was waking up in a cold sweat or even crying. I just hate that I never found out why I had these dreams. I was never scared of heights; I enjoyed them if anything. These dreams never had plots (that I could remember). The whole dream was just me on top of the building or cliff feeling anxious and then I would jump. The last one I remember having did have a plot. I was being chased by a tribe of some sort to the edge of cliff and I decided to just jump instead of taking my chances. 1 little girl VS 100 men with pointy spears. I haven't had one since I was kid. I hate it because these dreams are still so vivid. They scared the crap out of me. This is the only recurring dream I can think of. Sometimes my dreams will have similarities. I've visited the same made up town in my dreams before but the plots were different. I feel like the older I get the less I dream which makes me sad. I might be too stressed to let my mind wonder or for an imagination to live. I hope that I dream soon.