When I first heard about Alzheimers I was told you slowly start forgetting things. I had thought that the people that had it would slowly forget life in a chronological order. As in you would start by forgetting every day things. Then you would think you were in your 40's and then 20's and teen years and so on until you forgot how to breathe. I realize that isn't how it is now. You just forget things that are not constant... and sometimes things are constant. You just forget things randomly. There is no order or set timeline. Yesterday after a long plane ride and a long car ride I arrived at my nana and papas house. I got there and my nana got through all my family members with hugs and smiles and looked utterly confused when she saw me. She kept giving me weird looks. I knew it would happen eventually but I didn't know it would hurt me that much. She remembered everyone else... Even my little brother and sister. She's known me way longer. Anyways, my mom kept dropping hints about who I was and kept saying my name and eventually it came back to her. Now she knows who I am and I feel ok but it still hurts. Sometimes you feel things already but then they happen and they're a reality and you feel so intensely. I'm sitting in the living room of my grandparents house typing this and my nana has said goodnight to me 3 times now because she can't remember she already has. Sometimes it's funny. That sounds bad but thats how I deal with things. Sometimes finding the humor in things makes them less sucky. But it's funny because she's so sweet and oblivious. She'll ask you 3 times in a row if you play basketball and you can give her a different answer every time. Or today my mom asked her if she wanted to go to Red Lobster with us and she said no. My mom jokingly brought it up later that she said no to Red Lobster and my nana got so flustered because "SHE NEVER SAID THAT". I don't know how to end this post. I just really don't want her to forget me.
Oh Leslie. I can relate to this so much. My grandmother was a huge part of my life growing up and always made me feel so important to her, so cherished. So it hurt, really bad, when she forgot me. What bothered me even more, though, was that she forgot how much I loved HER. I wrote a piece for her funeral when she passed away and tried to work through those feelings. Here's a link to it you can copy and paste if you'd like to read it.
ReplyDeletehttp://nestingnotions.blogspot.com/2013/06/for-her-not-nearly-enough.html
Sit next to her and snuggle her while you're there, even if it's awkward. What I wouldn't give to feel my Nanny's soft arm pressed up against mine on her couch, to sit at her kitchen table and talk to her, even if we replayed the same conversation over and over again.
I'm glad you posted this. I'll see you in a few days. Much love to you and your family and safe travels.